Do Nice Guys Really Finish Last?Datestamp:
1/17/10 at 9:21am
I was just watching a comedy skit (with Ali G) and he was joking about how the worse he treats a girl, the more she wants him. We've all heard that stereotypical dmessage, but is it true? Do most girls really fall for bad treatment? Or even on a lesser scale, do you think the less a guy acts like he wants you, the more you want him? If he acts rude to you, do you think that's a cool, tough act and you're attracted to him even more? If you do, it's certainly not your fault. If you don't at all, all the more power to you. We've grown up in a society (in the U.S.) that glamorizes coolness. In other words, boys have grown up believing they need to act tough (i.e. non-emotional) and cool (non-emotional) to get girls, get laid, etc. Girls have grown up thinking they actually want tough and cool boys (but who wants an emotionless boyfriend or friend for that matter?). I fell into this trap way after my teenage years when I 'should have' known better. I had just ended a 6 year relationship with a man that seemed tough on the outside (tattoos, piercings, long hair, leather, you get the idea) but was very gentle and generous with me. After that ended, I was heartbroken, though I knew I obviously needed to move on, but I still was subconsciously looking for another 'tough-looking' guy. Unfortunately, I ended up with someone who was not only tough on the outside, but was insensitive and not gentle with me on the inside. I thought I could have my cake and eat it too. And it took me a few years to realize what I was subconsciously doing, how unrealistic it was and how I was hurting myself by looking for this impossible package. What do you do in your life that if you stepped out and thought about it, you realize you really are fooling yourself and possibly indirectly hurting yourself?
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Yes, in a way
Yes, nice guys do finish last. But there is actually 2 different types of nice guys. I'll try to explain. Most nice guys out there, are the types to genuinely care for their partner, buy flowers, gifts, etc, basically go out of their way to make their partner feel comfortable. Maybe even showing their feelings openly.
We'll call this guy "Nice Guy 1".
Most women (in my experience) have grown up exactly how you have explained in your post. Aiming for the tough guy, going after the muscle bound, motorcycle going,"Has a cool car", showing the money, etc, on the edge type of guy. We'll call this guy "Nice guy 2" Most of these tough guys treat their women much like you explained above (treating her like crap, non-emotional, non-caring, "Cool"). Yet the women still come back for more, until eventually they are hurt and wonder why.
It's the excitement, and confidence of "Nice guy 2" that they are attracted to. Does this leave "Nice guy 1" in the dust? Yes. Nice guy 1, has given up his individuality, to please his partner. He has become "Clingy" or too overbearing, living for his partner, and not for himself. The gifts, adoration, and other terms of endearment are nice, but in the end the woman gets bored of it quick. This is what keeps nice guys behind.
This is not to say that the methods of Nice guy 2 are the way to do things. But lets look at the differences. This guy is more concerned with himself, and his goals. He has goals and goes for them, and lives an exciting life, and doesn't care about the damage along the way. That would include his partner. But that's exactly what keeps the woman coming back.
For Nice guy 1, there is hope at the end of the tunnel. But he has to venture into Nice guy 2 territory in order to succeed. Being overbearing, and gifts etc has its time and place, but to live for the other person, is unattractive. I've seen it personally many times. He has to become more confident in himself, have goals, and take risks. It's like that old saying, you have to love yourself before you can be loved by others.
But even with this change, most women wont notice this until it's too late. They will get hurt, and wont notice Nice guy 1 until it's too late and he has moved on to someone that appreciates what he has to offer. During the teenage years, that's what most women are attracted to, and they don't notice that guy in the corner that actually cares about them, but is too afraid to say something, to step up to the plate. So they lie there in obscurity, until eventually evolving into the "Good guy".
So yes the nice guy does finish last. But if he changes into the "Good Guy", he will win the war, not just the battle. This is from a Nice Guy in the middle of changing into a "Good Guy".
Another Nice Guy Bites the Dust
Hi O Francis,
Thank you very much for your lengthy comment. I appreciate your detailed, clear description of Nice Guy 1 and 2. (Interesting way to put it).
I disagree however that there are only the two extremes allowed. There can and should be a balance between---being absolutely clingy and living for the other person, and being totally callous and selfish. There is most definitely a middle ground. And I think that is what you are aiming for when you say you are changing from #1 to #2. Unfortunately that is what many are not good at: loving someone full out and being thoughtful and generous, at the same time taking care of oneself too. One does not preclude the other. It is not an easy balance, but one worth trying to achieve.
This is a few months late,
This is a few months late, but both types of nice guys outlined in the first comment are not nice. In fact, not sure if they can be called guys...
If you see these, run.
lol
Thanks Wan... I'll keep that in mind for the future for sure. Kinda like MEN IN BLACK..?
;-) s