What to do with girlfriends? You know the ones --- they are always getting into boy(friend) problems and just always seem to have their life in a whirlwind. I sigh just thinking about it. You love them to death--they're like a sister to you (which may also be why it's harder to be objective about things), but pure frustration steams from your head from talking in circles with them. I'm sure this is not an exclusively Asian thing, but this has come up twice with my Asian girlfriends, both Chinese, in the last week. What to do? 

Listening doesn't seem to cut it. They want your advice and yet don't seem to take it. They talk on and on, often it seems to you in circles and just don't seem to get anywhere at the end. They think they're being rational and you just think they're nuts. 

The other night hanging out with my girlfriend really was a world lesson in patience. Patience with my friend, patience with her patterns in her head that seem to keep her spinning her wheels in the same place, and only churning harder and faster, the more desperate she feels, creating a bigger and bigger hole in the same place. It hurts to see it. But I tried to keep listening. 

I told her that she could do anything she wanted with her life at any time. I told her it doesn't matter what anyone else says. I told her sure, she can take other people's opinion in, but ultimately she needs to make that decision for herself. I asked her what she's scared of. She said she's scared to make a decision. I told her she still thinks like she did when she was little and was forced to leave China with her parents. She still acts as if she has no free will and can't make decisions about her life. She becomes resentful, that people tell her what to do. I reminded her in no easy terms that she is acting like a victim, when in fact that's not true anymore. No one can make decisions for her life anymore. But in fact, she still does things to please her parents or specifically does not do what she wants because it's not what her parents want. 

I think this is a constant struggle that many of us children of immigrants have. The dilemma between appeasing the guilt that our parents have sacrificed so much for us, that we have to lead our lives the way they hope we would in America, or leading our lives the way we want to at the risk of upsetting our parents and 'hurting their feelings.' I put this in quotes because--- how can we be truly hurting them simply by following our dreams? Is that selfish of us? Or of them? Am I being a rebellious Asian daughter by putting that out there? Yes, yes, and yes. 

I wrote a poem about Asian women and putting ourselves first and performed it several years ago. My parents, for once, was in the country (visiting from Taiwan) and got to see me perform. I was so pleased-- they were always my most important audience. Afterwards, in the car, my mom asked me from the front seat, "You didn't really mean you wanted to be selfish, did you?" I stuttered at first and then tried to explain myself. That selfish here was not a bad thing. Putting yourself first is essential and healthy and wonderful. And yes, if selfish means focusing on yourself first, then yes, selfish it is! You should be more selfish too! Now that we're talking about it. Only my dad (white and American) and my younger brother immediately understood.

So are we the daughters of our immigrant mothers? Of course. Does that mean we need to follow in their Confucianist footsteps and obey our fathers, sons, and sons-in-laws before we meet our own needs? NO. No...No. 

EPILOGUE

Is that my mom is now in love with yoga. She takes it about 5 times a week and my dad joins her a few times a week as well. She has for the first time ever, that I've seen, really taken control of her own health and wanted to be in her body (to quote Eve Ensler). Now I'm the one that needs to exercise more, lol. That's my mom.